YO, 'SUP?

Wednesday, 21 August 2030 03:58
preussisch_blau: (Daydreaming (Star Trex XI-Chekov))
Welcome to my journal. Lovely little place, non? Well, I don't really update much, and I'm not all that interesting. I would very much prefer it if you'd let me know you're friending me, but I can't really stop you if you want to. I would greatly prefer that, if you are just positive you know me in real life, you pretend you don't and cannot imagine what would cause such a silly notion to enter your head. (Well, you know, unless either A./ I told you about my LJ AND gave you the username, or B./ we originally met online and now just happen to know eachother in real life.)

I'm... not too picky about friending, actually. Oh, if you've defriended me and would like me to do the same in return, let me know? I don't... really keep up with who's defriended me.
preussisch_blau: (Default)
I have this journal, so I may as well use it. And whilst I have my doubts that anyone, aside from myself, really reads this or even cares about what I put here, the fact of the matter is that it is my journal -my own little corner of whichever blogging service I choose to use- and if I so desire to ramble on pointlessly at 0315 on a Friday morning, I am well within my rights to do so here.

Besides, there is something freeing about a great blank text field to enter all these words into, without the constraint of a paltry 140 characters. Never mind the fact that, as this is not showing up on anyone else's page unless they go looking for it, I feel a little less guilty about running my proverbial mouth.

And yet, it seems, that all the words flitting about my head earlier have abandoned me. Frustrating. But I think with a bit of work -namely, that required to just keep typing, just keep typing, typing typing typing- I can find them again; or, perhaps, find better ones.

What I am tired of is using a blog (journal, online diary, what have you) for pointless whinging. I look back over some of my older entries and have... well, a number of regrets. It seems so negative, so virulently lacking in any positive thought whatsoever, that it's a wonder anyone could ever stand to be around me in any form. So on that note, I am going to try to be more positive. Which includes not putting myself down for not always being positive, and occasionally touching on painful subjects that, whilst at first glance may seem negative, are really far more positive to think on than the incessant complaining of prior posts.

It has been just over a year since my grandfather died.

If I were my mother, I could tell you the exact date, the very spot where she pulled over on the side of the road when my brother called to tell us, and who was with us at the time. Some days, I am grateful I did not inherit her memory. I merely know it was at the end of February, we were coming home early from drill team practise, and that the normally boisterous atmosphere was suddenly very subdued. Well, up until Mom told the cadets to please not be quiet on her behalf, because she didn't expect the world to stop just because of her.

In fact, the last drill team practise in February, she did point out the exact spot, which is how I know she would know this.

And from there, it's something of a blur. I don't think it really hit home until competition that year that he was really gone.

For the record? Last year we were complete underdogs. Mostly a bunch of kids, with less than a handful of experienced cadets. The brilliant, wonderful man who had been with the team since he helped start it as a cadet himself had just been diagnosed with cancer and started on treatment and couldn't come down to competition with us. None of us adults were really feeling into it, but the cadets wanted to compete so badly, and we just didn't have it in us to say no. There was no way we were going to get higher than last place.

We came in second; a few points shy of first. Disney, eat your heart out.

And the first thing Mom says to me when we get back to the barracks after the awards were handed out was that she couldn't wait to get home and show Grandpop the trophy.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this now.

I'm sure someone could point out some deep, intrinsic connection between drill team and competition and this own personal tragedy. Or perhaps the fact that I'm feeling introspective -which is a frequent thing for me; I'm a pure introvert. The fact that a lot of my older entries expressed a great deal of anger and frustration at my grandfather likely plays a part. (I will not sugarcoat things now by saying he was a dear, sweet old man who didn't deserve any of my anger or frustration. He was stubborn and willful and set in his ways, and it would do him a disservice to deny any of that. And yet.)

The truth is that I have a deep and abiding hatred of spring. As far as I'm concerned, there is very little good that can come of the time between late February and early June. Oh, sure, you get the little high points like Regional Drill Team Competition, which is a must if you want to have a hope of getting to the National Competition. But mostly, I have found spring to be a slog of interminable hardship and misfortune in my life, and I would desperately like to meet whichever deity or power has decided that my lot is to experience such things during a season often described as being full of hope and new beginnings.

For one: Easter is coming. If I were my mother, I would be able to tell you the exact date my father left us. I am not my mother. All I know is that it happened close to Easter of my eighth grade year (don't ask for a numerical year; I don't feel up to the maths) and that is that. Easter sucks. And while I know him leaving has fuck-all nothing to do with me, it still hurts and it still makes the holiday just that much less pleasant.

For two: I got fired at the end of last May. Whilst I will own up to my own failings, I would like to point out that it is March, I have no job, and I am looking at this coming April to be my last semester of college barring a financial aid miracle or an employment miracle. Either way: Miracles. It's spring. I'm not holding my breath.

For three: Two(?) years ago, at about this time, I should have been graduating boot camp. Instead, I was diagnosed with a fracture in my back and had to cease training. I never finished training. I will, barring a miracle -note the frequency with which I have need of them, relative to the frequency with which they appear in my life-, never be a Marine. Despite having found alternative potentials for my future, the fact remains that having the door closed on my longest held and deepest aspiration is, to say the least, still disheartening. (To be fair, anyone who has ever seen me in real life would possibly be boggling at the idea I could ever be a Marine. Skinny, geeky, quiet. Not exactly the sort you look at and think "Future Jarhead".)

For four, because I like fours and nearly typed that as Four four: Two years ago, at about this time, I should have been getting ready to graduate college and get commissioned in the Marines. (Do we notice a theme?) Instead, five years ago, at about this time, I was home on Spring Break and finding out that I had three bones fractured in my foot. (Again, theme, noticing?) By the end of April, I was home for good.

Perhaps I'm just being over dramatic in thinking that the universe likes to shit on my springtime, and that bad things happen other times of year. It's entirely possible. My Grandmom died the day after my birthday. I'm not quite sure when Granny died -I was very young and do not have my mother's memory, as established- but I recall it being very cold for her funeral, so I imagine it was winter. And my brother went to West Point starting in the early summer, which was a great injustice to a younger sibling who had been but a year behind him in school and was now facing senior year without that very constant presence in their life.

Seriously. I held it together until the lunch the day we dropped him off. At which point no amount of internal fortitude could keep me from crying quite quietly into my sandwich. (Ham on rye. I only remember this because I only eat ham as far as lunch meat goes, and I abhor rye but thought it was normal wheat bread, which I will only eat under duress a.k.a. they didn't have white. Stupid fancy luncheons.) I was apparently doing an admirable job of silent distress; Mom didn't even notice until another parent discreetly pointed it out to her.

For the record: Things have never been quite the same between my brother and I since. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I think bad. But sometimes he's like the brother I remember from high school. And sometimes he's better. And I'm certainly not the way I was in high school (for one, I'm a good two stone lighter). So... It's different, but it's okay. I'd rather have him the way he is now than the way he was even six months ago. There's that, at least.

And for now, I think, it's time to sew up the proverbial vein.

I imagine this looks very much like the pointless whinging I said at the outset that I wanted to avoid.

Perhaps it is.

But from this angle, it looks more like almost an hour's worth of catharsis.
preussisch_blau: (*grumbles* (Frank--- M*A*S*H*))
I have today and tomorrow off from work.

When do I get really good and sick? Today.

Eurrrrgh... ::hides under blanket::

(no subject)

Saturday, 6 November 2010 07:42
preussisch_blau: (Oh Dear... (Star Trek XI-Scotty))
Bleah. Have been unusually sleepy the past two days. Which led to spending most of Thursday asleep, and then more of Friday than I would've preferred. Cut it out, body. I expect you to be awake when I need you to be.

In other news, I've got to stop falling asleep without making sure all laptop cords and cables are secure. Woke up with the power cord to this thing wrapped around my neck. Not fun! Very scary! (Says the person who sleeps with necklaces on, but we digress.)

Also, one of these days, I think I'm going to just learn that some people do not want my help. Very frustrating, as instead of being all evasive and "oh, maybe" or "I don't think that's going to work" or "That wouldn't work because of X, Y, and Z"... they could just tell me. Especially before I waste my time, get all annoyed, spend energy coming up with new solutions only to have them be shot down...

Finally... eh. Forget it. I highly doubt anyone reads these anyways.
preussisch_blau: (Stark is a pimp (Iron Man))
Work is going quite well. I'm really enjoying working nights. It means I actually get to do what the store manager promised, which is work places other than register. I'm actually oddly fond of drive-thru order taking. Less so presenting, but that's probably because I only really do that when I'm struggling to take orders, put them together, take payments, and get orders out to the customers at two in the morning while my co-workers are... somewhere else.

I also really enjoy working lobby. It's just cleaning, but it generally gives me time to think, which I like. Customers mostly leave me alone, and I can just work without having the managers breathing down my neck.

Register appears to be a constant thorn in my side, however. I just don't like it.

So far as my life outside of work... what life outside of work? ::laughs:: Generally, I stay home if I'm not at work because I have no car. It's a bit frustrating, because Grandpop is really getting on my case over the stupidest crap lately and I would love to just be able to leave the house once in a while, but I'm going to figure out how to deal with it in a way that doesn't leave me hoarse.

I do still RP a fair bit, which is going well. I kind of like where my characters are going. No big storylines or plots going. Nothing exciting. Just day to day sort of stuff... but, despite some whinging about it, I think I'm okay with this. I really don't have the time for anything huge right now anyways, though if it happens, I'd certainly not object. I do wish I had more opportunity to play my secondary, but I barely have the time for my primary as it is.

Hmmm, what else? Oh, definitely should've gotten to bed earlier last night. Like, way earlier. I'll be impressed if I'm not nodding off at work. Methinks there is energy drink in my future. Yeurgh. Must not complain about sleepiness. Only brought it on self.

Um, past that, not too much going on around these parts. Yeah. I'm boring, I know.

So.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010 06:10
preussisch_blau: (broken)
I've been a lousy friend lately. Go me.

I miss everyone. I'll try and comment more and talk more and just be a better friend in general.

For now, though, I really should try and sleep.
preussisch_blau: (Default)
Happy birthday to you, even if it's way late over on the East Coast. West Coast time represent? :P Ah, I'm a dork. Hope it was a good one for ya, and sorry for being so delayed in posting this. ♥

Hnh

Friday, 25 June 2010 00:57
preussisch_blau: (Default)
Oh, yeah, I do actually have a journal. Anyhow, I'm not sure how much time I'll have to type an entry, so for now... In Oregon, at CAP National Drill Team Competition. Having fun, although I am quite tired and have had a headache all day today. Tonight we played volleyball, and we came in 6th out of 7 teams. Not bad, I guess. I'm apparently NOT the worst volleyball player on the team, so that's good. Shame I couldn't have been better at volleyball sooner, but hey, oh well.

Also, the Puerto Rican team? Brought candy for all the other teams. Mmmm ajonjoli... (Although apparently no one asks what they're called, because they were very happy to hear someone wanted to know what they were. Shame. It's like peanut brittle, but with lots and lots of sesame seeds. Om nom nom... though, a bit of an acquired taste, I will admit.)

So, we're supposed to be studying now, I think. Which means I should shut up and go.

Yeah.

Laters.

::fwump!::

Monday, 3 May 2010 18:29
preussisch_blau: (Default)
Ugh. Someone tell the people who are supposed to come in so I can go home that they actually have to show up ON TIME. Not almost an hour later. And if they absolutely cannot show up on time, to... oh, I don't know... call the manager and let him know so we aren't standing there wondering what the crap is going on and if I'm going to be able to go home soon.

On the plus side, I am doing well. My managers like me. And I was offered much free noms for working over my scheduled hours, which is about all they can give me aside from my usual hourly wage since I didn't technically go into over-time.

Mmmm... chicken nuggets...

Soon, soon I shall be paid... and then shall come the renewed paid time. I wants my userpics back, dangit.
preussisch_blau: (Default)
That is the noise of a gainfully employed Bird.

Orientation is today, and my first day is tomorrow.

Holy crap.

I still keep feeling like I'm going to wake up to find that I've slept through my interview.

(Soon, sooooon the paid account will be mine once more. Just as soon as I figure out my scheduling so I can budget for it.)

I should not be this excited to be a McWage Slave, but I am.

Mooooneeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy ♥
preussisch_blau: (Typewriter)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

Avant tout, j'ai décider dorénavant écrire mes notes de journal en français.

Que c'est interéssant! J'ai une angoisse de la page blanche différente que tout les autres quand je clique la liason de "Voir les réponses".

Je veux recommencer ma collection des icones. J'ai gardé la plupart à mon ordinateur ou mon Photobucket. Il y a quelques-uns je n'utilise pas, mais je ne fais pas les effacer. (Ah, valeur sentimentale.)

Bon Poisson d'Avril et Jeudi Saint.


J'excuse pour le français épouvantable. Ça fait longtemps que je n'ai pas écrire en français. Je vais écrire en anglais demain. Merci Dieu!

Halp?

Friday, 26 March 2010 00:25
preussisch_blau: (Default)
So, um... I'm trying to relocate the image I used for my wallpaper.

Screencap below the cut.

Read more... )

Anyone know where this came from?

Also, how do I have tribble anatomy bookmarked and not that?

(no subject)

Tuesday, 9 March 2010 14:47
preussisch_blau: (Ted *facepalm* (Life))
Have interview at Dover Air Force Base. When do I get to the air base? If you guessed right at shift change, when all the airmen are trying to get on base, you would be correct. Oy.

(no subject)

Thursday, 11 February 2010 14:14
preussisch_blau: (Ellipses)
My brother is an ass.

Just thought y'all should know this.

God I hope Mom can get in the driveway.

She should be able to; the SUV has handled that amount of snow before just fine.

Just had to move the stuff the snowplows pushed out of the road out of our driveway.

There is an hour of my life I will not get back.

Fuck my back hurts.

If I get yelled at for the driveway not being perfectly clear, I will shoot myself.

I should have known Nik wasn't going to help.

I really should have started work on the driveway sooner.

Mom is going to kill us.

Or yell.

Yep.

Should have started sooner.

Paragraphs are for people who aren't in as much pain as I am in right now.

FML.
preussisch_blau: (Musics (Charlie--- Life))
This is also probably going to land me in Hell... but at least I'll be warm!

Oh holy shit
It's really fucking snoooooooowing
I cannot see the yard for all the snow
There sits my car
In a snowdrift that is grooooooowing
Does it matter? There is no place to go

It's really cold
And I hate being stuck inside
I hope that our
Power will stay oooonnnn

Fall,
Little flakes,
Somewhere else
If you please

O whyyyy can't I
Live in another state?
Somewhere
Further noooooooorth
Where they
Can handle snow



We now return you to your regularly scheduled f-list. Thank you, and good day.

Dreamings

Monday, 8 February 2010 12:35
preussisch_blau: (Bwuh? (Charlie--- Life))
I had... an interesting dream this morning.

Cut to spare those of you who don't care about my dreams. )

Thank You

Sunday, 7 February 2010 11:20
preussisch_blau: (Evans looking cute <3)
To whomever generously purchased the two months of paid time for me: Thank you. It was certainly a nice thing to see in my e-mail inbox when I went to check it just now. I appreciate it, really I do, even though I really did not intend for the little throw-away line at the end of my last post to be taken as a plea for time.

I would offer you fic or art, but that would rather defeat the purpose of an anonymous gift. So, thank you.

Now, off to shovel the snow mentioned in my last entry. (I promise, f-list, I'll stop spamming!)
preussisch_blau: (broken)
Woke up and the house was 58 bloody degrees Fahrenheit. Turns out that the power went out again at around 0400, after I'd fallen asleep again. Fucking blizzard. Last time I woke up shivering under two blankets, I was in Vermont, in a room where the radiator didn't quite radiate heat. Power just came back on maybe 10 minutes ago; I'm hoping it sticks around. I'm freezing my arse off over here. Hence the lack of eloquence. It's hard to write when you have a metal chassis on your laptop and your fingers are already frozen.

Oh, I did mention an again up there, didn't I? Yeah, power cut out last night. Not sure of the exact time; perhaps someone I was talking to on AIM when it happened can give a more definite answer. Came back... want to say 0200-ish? Yep, somewhen around then.

It's either still snowing or the wind is making snow drift off the rooves and trees around here.

Anyhow, I haven't been around... much at all. I should work on changing that, huh? I know some of you are also experiencing weather issues.

Well, stay warm, y'all.






...Oh bollocks, my paid account expired.

Ah well; I hardly use this thing. Maybe when I do and thus can justify the expense...

Crazy Late

Monday, 28 December 2009 18:44
preussisch_blau: (Angel)
Hope everyone on my f-list had a very happy Christmas (or winter holiday of your choosing), and has a good New Year.

I had a fairly decent Christmas myself.

Hopefully I'll be more talkative in the new year.

Laters, y'all.

(no subject)

Thursday, 17 December 2009 01:50
preussisch_blau: (Vat 69)
Happy Birthday [livejournal.com profile] m_buggie!

Hope you have a good one.

*pours you a drink*

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preussisch_blau: (Default)
Bird

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