preussisch_blau: (Mental (Charlie Crews- Life))
Right, for those of you who missed it... here ya go. Have at it, and return here when you're done.

... *checks watch* *drinks coffee* *downs some more cold medicine*

Huh? Oh, good, you're back.

...

Thursday, 14 February 2008 01:44
preussisch_blau: (Default)
Oh, look, LJ drama.

I wish I knew what the Hell half those comments were about.

Ugh. I don't think I want to be involved with this fandom much longer... I love the series, I love the books, I (have a platonic) love (for) the men... But I'm reminded of why I left fandom alone since middle school up until I broke my foot at college and had nothing else to do with my time. You end up with at least two separate groups of people against each other amongst the established folks in fandom, and then us newbs are left on the sidelines going "WTF mate?" at old wank being dragged up and some of us being criticised for not knowing the "whole story", so to speak, and simply supporting the person we know. ((Amongst other oh so lovely facets of fandom.))

I kind of wish I hadn't run out of inspiration for Hot Fuzz, except that ended up getting needlessly wanky too.

I know no matter where I choose to spend my time, there's going to be wank and there are going to be cliques... Except somehow, I'd rather spend my time where at least the things being wanked over matter a little in real life.

I haven't made up my mind to quit fandom just yet... Except it's getting to that point.

The most recent thing isn't the entire reason. Far from it. Things from a week ago, and just little things that pop up from time to time... Combined with shit from Hot Fuzz fandom, and even before then with things from my first forays into fandom back in middle school.

I get stressed far too easily. I worry too much about the past. I know I can't change things or take back words or any of that, but I have enough emotional shit from college to worry about without having fandom chickenshit piled on top. It's... I don't even know how to begin to describe what's going on inside my head, but I've never really felt like I fit in anywhere, and then when I think I do and this sort of fuckery happens? No. No. I've been burned enough to know better. Once burned, twice shy? Multiply that by a fucking million times, and you'll see where I'm coming from.

It's like school. Like grade school. And I know real life is like this too, but at least when I hear the things people wank about in real life, it's shit that matters. Work, money, family. I know there's some of the unimportant stuff too, I'm not an idiot and I'm not naive, but... Ugh. I can't do this shit. I'm burned out on this. I'm burned out on a lot lately. I need to get my life in order. I don't have time to waste on this crap. Not when I need to get back in shape. Not when I need to get a job. Not when I need to learn how to drive a fucking car. I can't drive. Eighteen years old and I can't drive a car. What the fuck is the matter with me?

Rhetorical question. No need to answer. There's a lot the matter with me. Fuck... I... Just fuck it all.

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March 2012

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