Jesus H. Christ

Wednesday, 6 August 2008 02:02
preussisch_blau: (Gives them smokes (Speirs--- BoB))
Allow me to rant. It's my journal, I'll say what I want to.

A certain person is pissing me off. Cynthia, to be precise. I'll use her real name because she prefers people using it as opposed to calling her Moon, and I actually respect people's preferences to what they want to be called.

She seems to not get the hint that I don't like being called by my real name. I don't like it. Bird will suffice just fine, thank you, and I don't enjoy having to ask repeatedly, then TELL repeatedly, that I would prefer to be called something other than my real name. Hell, if she wanted to, she could call me "Crazy Nazi Bitch Mod" or something like that. I wouldn't like it, but at this point all I'd really like is for her to cut it the fuck out with my real name.

Actually, I'd also like for her to cut it the fuck out with calling me a Nazi. Sorry, I don't go around euthanising the crazies and Jews, and locking up the people who disagree with me. Actually, truth be told? If I lived in Nazi Germany, I'd probably have been killed. So calling me a Nazi doesn't sit well with me.

Yes, good communities encourage discussion. Good mods, depending on the community, discourage wank. You want a wank free-for-all, I really recommend [livejournal.com profile] stupid_free or a similar comm. In fact, right now there's some delicious wank about what it means to be racist and who can be racist. I modeled my moderation style after some of my favourite mods. Mods who will put up with dissent, but won't tolerate outright wank. Shockingly, the only people who have problems with that tend to be the people who think they're so special that the rules should be enforced on anyone disagreeing with them, but when the rules are used against them, then the mods are being pointless and arbitrary with their rules. I've seen it plenty of times before as a casual viewer of a comm.

You know, I should be the better person and just drop this. Except really. She's all sweetness and thanks and such in her public posts, but the moment she thinks I won't find out what she's saying about me, it's back to the old using my name and calling me immature and a Nazi!mod.

Edit: Yes, I'm aware this may not be the most mature way to go about expressing my frustrations and I should just let sleeping dogs lie, but she's not being the paragon of adult behaviour either. Besides, I could do a whole lot worse.
preussisch_blau: (Confuzzled)
First, it should be noted I woke up early. Very early. Like, 0900 early.

Second, I was actually awake.

Third, I went running, and I finally figured out proper form for a mile run (which has been vexing me).

Fourth, I had an appetite. Which is a new occurence. I haven't eaten a lot since college, and suddenly to-day, it was like I couldn't eat enough. Still hungry now, actually...

Fifth, I have really had no urge to RP. Which is odd. I'm sure [livejournal.com profile] ladyames is going to be relieved to read that I won't be bothering her about it to-night.

Sixth, which should actually go between the third and fourth chronologically, but who cares... I'm wearing make-up. I'm dressed in something other that t-shirts and sweatpants. I never do this if I'm staying home all day.

Seventh, for all I was snarky to-day... I dunno. Wasn't feeling the snark, either. All felt pointless. I think I'm finally just done with that crap. Something isn't quite sitting right with me about some of the comments I've made lately, so I imagine I'll be spending time figuring that one out. Something tells me I let my protective side make the decisions again.

Eighth, I've actually wanted to leave the house. In fact, I'm pretty ticked that I'm stuck inside. The only thing keeping me sane is that I have Drill Team Competition this weekend.

Ninth, I've been in a list-making mood. If I can make a list for it, I'll do it. See? Another list.

Tenth, and oddest... Not only did I have an actual conversation with Cynthia, it stayed rational and neither of us resorted to insults or any of that. Hell, I actually stood up for her about something. Either I'm more of a bleeding heart than I think I am (dear God in Heaven, no!) or I'm genuinely done with the drama. That, and she's not so bad, really. Just really freaking frustrating.

Actually, the odd part was that I IMed her to bitch her out about saying I had no life, was out of touch with reality, etc. ... And I didn't have it in me.

Right now, I'm a very confused little Bird...
preussisch_blau: (Proud Sobel)
As said in that comment, if you want to respond to it, do so here. I don't want to clutter her journal with this.

Say whatever you want. Lay into me if you want. Call me anything you damn well please. Defriend me.

At this point, I couldn't care less.
preussisch_blau: (Mental (Charlie Crews- Life))
Right, for those of you who missed it... here ya go. Have at it, and return here when you're done.

... *checks watch* *drinks coffee* *downs some more cold medicine*

Huh? Oh, good, you're back.

...

Thursday, 14 February 2008 01:44
preussisch_blau: (Default)
Oh, look, LJ drama.

I wish I knew what the Hell half those comments were about.

Ugh. I don't think I want to be involved with this fandom much longer... I love the series, I love the books, I (have a platonic) love (for) the men... But I'm reminded of why I left fandom alone since middle school up until I broke my foot at college and had nothing else to do with my time. You end up with at least two separate groups of people against each other amongst the established folks in fandom, and then us newbs are left on the sidelines going "WTF mate?" at old wank being dragged up and some of us being criticised for not knowing the "whole story", so to speak, and simply supporting the person we know. ((Amongst other oh so lovely facets of fandom.))

I kind of wish I hadn't run out of inspiration for Hot Fuzz, except that ended up getting needlessly wanky too.

I know no matter where I choose to spend my time, there's going to be wank and there are going to be cliques... Except somehow, I'd rather spend my time where at least the things being wanked over matter a little in real life.

I haven't made up my mind to quit fandom just yet... Except it's getting to that point.

The most recent thing isn't the entire reason. Far from it. Things from a week ago, and just little things that pop up from time to time... Combined with shit from Hot Fuzz fandom, and even before then with things from my first forays into fandom back in middle school.

I get stressed far too easily. I worry too much about the past. I know I can't change things or take back words or any of that, but I have enough emotional shit from college to worry about without having fandom chickenshit piled on top. It's... I don't even know how to begin to describe what's going on inside my head, but I've never really felt like I fit in anywhere, and then when I think I do and this sort of fuckery happens? No. No. I've been burned enough to know better. Once burned, twice shy? Multiply that by a fucking million times, and you'll see where I'm coming from.

It's like school. Like grade school. And I know real life is like this too, but at least when I hear the things people wank about in real life, it's shit that matters. Work, money, family. I know there's some of the unimportant stuff too, I'm not an idiot and I'm not naive, but... Ugh. I can't do this shit. I'm burned out on this. I'm burned out on a lot lately. I need to get my life in order. I don't have time to waste on this crap. Not when I need to get back in shape. Not when I need to get a job. Not when I need to learn how to drive a fucking car. I can't drive. Eighteen years old and I can't drive a car. What the fuck is the matter with me?

Rhetorical question. No need to answer. There's a lot the matter with me. Fuck... I... Just fuck it all.

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Bird

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