preussisch_blau: (Default)
I have this journal, so I may as well use it. And whilst I have my doubts that anyone, aside from myself, really reads this or even cares about what I put here, the fact of the matter is that it is my journal -my own little corner of whichever blogging service I choose to use- and if I so desire to ramble on pointlessly at 0315 on a Friday morning, I am well within my rights to do so here.

Besides, there is something freeing about a great blank text field to enter all these words into, without the constraint of a paltry 140 characters. Never mind the fact that, as this is not showing up on anyone else's page unless they go looking for it, I feel a little less guilty about running my proverbial mouth.

And yet, it seems, that all the words flitting about my head earlier have abandoned me. Frustrating. But I think with a bit of work -namely, that required to just keep typing, just keep typing, typing typing typing- I can find them again; or, perhaps, find better ones.

What I am tired of is using a blog (journal, online diary, what have you) for pointless whinging. I look back over some of my older entries and have... well, a number of regrets. It seems so negative, so virulently lacking in any positive thought whatsoever, that it's a wonder anyone could ever stand to be around me in any form. So on that note, I am going to try to be more positive. Which includes not putting myself down for not always being positive, and occasionally touching on painful subjects that, whilst at first glance may seem negative, are really far more positive to think on than the incessant complaining of prior posts.

It has been just over a year since my grandfather died.

If I were my mother, I could tell you the exact date, the very spot where she pulled over on the side of the road when my brother called to tell us, and who was with us at the time. Some days, I am grateful I did not inherit her memory. I merely know it was at the end of February, we were coming home early from drill team practise, and that the normally boisterous atmosphere was suddenly very subdued. Well, up until Mom told the cadets to please not be quiet on her behalf, because she didn't expect the world to stop just because of her.

In fact, the last drill team practise in February, she did point out the exact spot, which is how I know she would know this.

And from there, it's something of a blur. I don't think it really hit home until competition that year that he was really gone.

For the record? Last year we were complete underdogs. Mostly a bunch of kids, with less than a handful of experienced cadets. The brilliant, wonderful man who had been with the team since he helped start it as a cadet himself had just been diagnosed with cancer and started on treatment and couldn't come down to competition with us. None of us adults were really feeling into it, but the cadets wanted to compete so badly, and we just didn't have it in us to say no. There was no way we were going to get higher than last place.

We came in second; a few points shy of first. Disney, eat your heart out.

And the first thing Mom says to me when we get back to the barracks after the awards were handed out was that she couldn't wait to get home and show Grandpop the trophy.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this now.

I'm sure someone could point out some deep, intrinsic connection between drill team and competition and this own personal tragedy. Or perhaps the fact that I'm feeling introspective -which is a frequent thing for me; I'm a pure introvert. The fact that a lot of my older entries expressed a great deal of anger and frustration at my grandfather likely plays a part. (I will not sugarcoat things now by saying he was a dear, sweet old man who didn't deserve any of my anger or frustration. He was stubborn and willful and set in his ways, and it would do him a disservice to deny any of that. And yet.)

The truth is that I have a deep and abiding hatred of spring. As far as I'm concerned, there is very little good that can come of the time between late February and early June. Oh, sure, you get the little high points like Regional Drill Team Competition, which is a must if you want to have a hope of getting to the National Competition. But mostly, I have found spring to be a slog of interminable hardship and misfortune in my life, and I would desperately like to meet whichever deity or power has decided that my lot is to experience such things during a season often described as being full of hope and new beginnings.

For one: Easter is coming. If I were my mother, I would be able to tell you the exact date my father left us. I am not my mother. All I know is that it happened close to Easter of my eighth grade year (don't ask for a numerical year; I don't feel up to the maths) and that is that. Easter sucks. And while I know him leaving has fuck-all nothing to do with me, it still hurts and it still makes the holiday just that much less pleasant.

For two: I got fired at the end of last May. Whilst I will own up to my own failings, I would like to point out that it is March, I have no job, and I am looking at this coming April to be my last semester of college barring a financial aid miracle or an employment miracle. Either way: Miracles. It's spring. I'm not holding my breath.

For three: Two(?) years ago, at about this time, I should have been graduating boot camp. Instead, I was diagnosed with a fracture in my back and had to cease training. I never finished training. I will, barring a miracle -note the frequency with which I have need of them, relative to the frequency with which they appear in my life-, never be a Marine. Despite having found alternative potentials for my future, the fact remains that having the door closed on my longest held and deepest aspiration is, to say the least, still disheartening. (To be fair, anyone who has ever seen me in real life would possibly be boggling at the idea I could ever be a Marine. Skinny, geeky, quiet. Not exactly the sort you look at and think "Future Jarhead".)

For four, because I like fours and nearly typed that as Four four: Two years ago, at about this time, I should have been getting ready to graduate college and get commissioned in the Marines. (Do we notice a theme?) Instead, five years ago, at about this time, I was home on Spring Break and finding out that I had three bones fractured in my foot. (Again, theme, noticing?) By the end of April, I was home for good.

Perhaps I'm just being over dramatic in thinking that the universe likes to shit on my springtime, and that bad things happen other times of year. It's entirely possible. My Grandmom died the day after my birthday. I'm not quite sure when Granny died -I was very young and do not have my mother's memory, as established- but I recall it being very cold for her funeral, so I imagine it was winter. And my brother went to West Point starting in the early summer, which was a great injustice to a younger sibling who had been but a year behind him in school and was now facing senior year without that very constant presence in their life.

Seriously. I held it together until the lunch the day we dropped him off. At which point no amount of internal fortitude could keep me from crying quite quietly into my sandwich. (Ham on rye. I only remember this because I only eat ham as far as lunch meat goes, and I abhor rye but thought it was normal wheat bread, which I will only eat under duress a.k.a. they didn't have white. Stupid fancy luncheons.) I was apparently doing an admirable job of silent distress; Mom didn't even notice until another parent discreetly pointed it out to her.

For the record: Things have never been quite the same between my brother and I since. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I think bad. But sometimes he's like the brother I remember from high school. And sometimes he's better. And I'm certainly not the way I was in high school (for one, I'm a good two stone lighter). So... It's different, but it's okay. I'd rather have him the way he is now than the way he was even six months ago. There's that, at least.

And for now, I think, it's time to sew up the proverbial vein.

I imagine this looks very much like the pointless whinging I said at the outset that I wanted to avoid.

Perhaps it is.

But from this angle, it looks more like almost an hour's worth of catharsis.

(no subject)

Thursday, 11 February 2010 14:14
preussisch_blau: (Ellipses)
My brother is an ass.

Just thought y'all should know this.

God I hope Mom can get in the driveway.

She should be able to; the SUV has handled that amount of snow before just fine.

Just had to move the stuff the snowplows pushed out of the road out of our driveway.

There is an hour of my life I will not get back.

Fuck my back hurts.

If I get yelled at for the driveway not being perfectly clear, I will shoot myself.

I should have known Nik wasn't going to help.

I really should have started work on the driveway sooner.

Mom is going to kill us.

Or yell.

Yep.

Should have started sooner.

Paragraphs are for people who aren't in as much pain as I am in right now.

FML.

Dreamings

Monday, 8 February 2010 12:35
preussisch_blau: (Bwuh? (Charlie--- Life))
I had... an interesting dream this morning.

Cut to spare those of you who don't care about my dreams. )
preussisch_blau: (broken)
Woke up and the house was 58 bloody degrees Fahrenheit. Turns out that the power went out again at around 0400, after I'd fallen asleep again. Fucking blizzard. Last time I woke up shivering under two blankets, I was in Vermont, in a room where the radiator didn't quite radiate heat. Power just came back on maybe 10 minutes ago; I'm hoping it sticks around. I'm freezing my arse off over here. Hence the lack of eloquence. It's hard to write when you have a metal chassis on your laptop and your fingers are already frozen.

Oh, I did mention an again up there, didn't I? Yeah, power cut out last night. Not sure of the exact time; perhaps someone I was talking to on AIM when it happened can give a more definite answer. Came back... want to say 0200-ish? Yep, somewhen around then.

It's either still snowing or the wind is making snow drift off the rooves and trees around here.

Anyhow, I haven't been around... much at all. I should work on changing that, huh? I know some of you are also experiencing weather issues.

Well, stay warm, y'all.






...Oh bollocks, my paid account expired.

Ah well; I hardly use this thing. Maybe when I do and thus can justify the expense...

Fuckity

Monday, 7 December 2009 13:09
preussisch_blau: (*grumbles* (Frank--- M*A*S*H*))
I am quite possibly the only person who can wake up Sunday morning perfectly healthy (if a bit sore from drill team practise), take a nap Sunday afternoon while waiting for a phone call (that never came), and wake up from that nap with a stuffy nose and a post-nasal drip. Which has only gotten worse today. As in, Mom woke me up when she left for work so I could take medicine to reduce the fever and maybe actually breathe.

Ugh.
preussisch_blau: (nomnomnom (Charlie--- Life))
Well, I can say with authority that I am having a far better one than usual thus far. No visiting relatives, and I get to spend my entire day (mostly) sitting around in pajamas and knitting. Aside from the rolls I intend to bake later. Home-made. Hopefully they will be awesome. ::crosses fingers::

Hope everyone's at least having a tolerable day, even if you aren't celebrating National Day of Gluttony Thanksgiving. For those of you that are, may your food turn out delicious and perfectly cooked. For those of you that aren't... well, hopefully your food today turns out the same. XD

In closing, I am a dork, and there will be an update when I make those rolls. (Dunno how many of you went to schools that served awesome rolls in the cafeteria, but they were so nommy at my high school that people would buy lunch on roll days just for the rolls. The cafeteria actually had to limit how many were sold a la carte. I found a recipe for this type of roll. ::GRINS:: )

An open letter

Wednesday, 25 November 2009 14:53
preussisch_blau: (Mr. Sunshine himself)
Dear Unconscious Mind,

You and I both know the glasses go in the same place every damn night so we can find them the next morning. Therefore, why did you find it appropriate to not only place them three feet away from their same damn place, but to then forget about it, so I spend half an hour this morning trying to find them in the usual spot and where they could have fallen from the usual spot, then an hour fussing with contact lenses, then the past two (almost three) wearing the horrid things from boot camp that make my eyes hurt a little and do NOTHING to help my headaches?

Not funny. Next time you think it's a great idea to send me to sleep five hours earlier than you've been, please warn me so I can put our glasses away and not you.

Not so much love right now,

Bird

BACON

Wednesday, 16 September 2009 19:43
preussisch_blau: (nomnomnom (Charlie--- Life))
Dinner tonight? Fucking delicious. It involved bacon. There was no way it could have gone wrong with bacon involved... especially since it was MAPLE bacon. Om nom nom.

So, of course, there was the prior debate of what to have. This debate was conducted at the grocery store, as we really lack in the "dinner foods other than hot dogs and pasta" department. Neither Mom nor I had any ideas. Then there was a little voice. It went, "Bacon! Bacon! Bacon bacon bacon!" It was simply a little kid pointing out bacon to his mother. We get about five steps past, when Mom turns to me and says, "Breakfast?"

"Apparently I'm not the only one who just got a sudden craving for bacon."

Thus, we got bacon. And pancake mix. And eggs. Dinner was cooked. Nik got to clean up because he didn't cook. Oh, and I think I have several nice little burns on my hands from cast iron cookware and bacon grease (and I didn't even cook the bacon ffs). Oh well, I'll live.

A little maple syrup for the pancakes, and life was good.

(Also, seriously, for amazing pancakes from a mix: Add a few glugs of non-alcohol vanilla extract, a pinch of nutmeg, and a few shakes of cinnamon. Go easy on the oil, too. They're fluffier that way. Trust me, though. Vanilla, nutmeg, and cinnamon. Be careful with the nutmeg, though. It's easy to add too much.)
preussisch_blau: (fluff)
Audrey is a WEIRD kitty.

I just got done bathing and drying her. I think she disliked the indignity of the mesh bag (for ease of controlling and scrubbing her) more than the indignity of the water.

She also submitted willingly to having her fur brushed and blown dry (hairdryer on lowest setting). In fact, she was purring. The entire time (once she was out of the bag).

Insert all jokes about letting the cat out of the bag here.

So, yes, Buggie, that is why I was logged on and not replying to your IMs. I was busy at the fur salon.

IT'S HERE!

Monday, 20 July 2009 12:03
preussisch_blau: (Speirs)
It's here! Oh happy day my new laptop is here! :D

Now, to let this thing hurry up and charge so I can get to transferring all my crap from the old one over. I am liking the solid state hard drive already. My new laptop (oh, I need to name him) is sooooo much quieter.

...Anyone know how to turn off spell-check in Safari. FFS. ><

Apologies if I ignore y'all for a bit. I haz new toy. :D
preussisch_blau: (broken)
Meh.

If any of you want to write me while I'm at boot camp, leave a comment here and state whether you'd prefer to receive a letter from me first or if you'd rather my mother send you an e-mail with my address.

I probably won't be posting again after this until I get back from Parris Island.

Good night, and good luck.
preussisch_blau: (Default)
Apparently this is a Q&A meme of controversial topics. Whee! I might flock this so I don't get any discussion. I'm sick of discussion. It's very annoying when all the discussion I get is, for the most part "You're so wrong your wrong is wrong and let me tell you why" or "One sentence that explains nothing".

Anyhow. Meme.

1./ Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?
...This has got to be the STUPIDEST question ever. Would I have posted this if I didn't? </snark>

2./ Would you do meth if it was legal?
No.

3./ Abortion: for or against it?
...If you're reading this, and have been reading my journal regularly, and do not know the answer to this question... Just go back and look at some of the discussion posts, among other things. I'll repeat it here for the lazy. Against, against, a thousand times against. Murder is murder, no matter what you call it. You don't want a kid, use some fucking birth control. You can't have a kid or it'll kill you? Well, fine, have the abortion, then get thee the Pill or something so you're protected in case of rape.

4./ Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
The entire world? No. The U.S.A.? Well, it hasn't been doing so hot with 43 (soon to be 44) terms of male presidents, so a female one might be a welcome change. Except I highly doubt a president alone could bring about the fall of the nation. I mean, there's that system of checks and balances for a reason. Oh, wait, I take that back. If Obama wins, he could theoretically bring about the fall of the nation because checks and balances don't work when you've got a Democrat president and an unprecedented, unbeatable majority in the Congress from the same party.

5./ Do you believe in the death penalty?
Murder is murder. So no. I don't believe in the death penalty.

6./ Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
I really don't care.

7./ Are you for or against premarital sex?
Is this a serious legal issue? No. Why is this here? For the record, I'm against premarital sex, at least for myself. There's no need to test drive someone for how good they are in bed. In fact, if that's the only thing that would keep you from marrying an otherwise wonderful person, I'm afraid I have no respect for you.

8./ Do you believe in God?
Yes. I also believe in the reality of science, evolution, the existence of the dinosaurs, the world being millions of years old, and quantum physics. Now, anyone here care to call me stupid and brainwashed?

9./ Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
I don't think marriage should be a government institution, given that, at least in the U.S.A., the government idea of marriage is too heavily influenced by the Judeo-Christian institution. Separate church and state and leave marriage as the religious institution and come up with something else for the legal one. Oh, and having a church ceremony doesn't automatically entitle you to the legal benefits. You have to have the legal one too, otherwise it doesn't count in the eyes of the law.

10./ Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the U.S.A.?
Yes. Just because illegal immigration happened in the past, and just because European settlers weren't invited over and given visas and committed horrible acts agains the native people, doesn't change the fact that these people are breaking the law, draining off of tax benefits designed for legal citizens, and killing legal citizens in car accidents and such because they can't get a license and don't follow American traffic laws. Does it suck that it's hard to get here legally? Yeah. Still, I don't want Americans who can't be bothered to go through the process and become actual Americans, but instead sneak in and cling to the culture of their former home and cry "racist" whenever someone expects them to be loyal to the country as a whole and not just their race. This country has no room for hyphenated Americans. Either be an American or don't if you plan on living here. I sure as Hell wouldn't move to Mexico, refuse to learn Mexican Spanish, and demand to be called an American-Mexican. In fact, Americans who go to other countries legally and refuse to learn the local language and culture are considered horrible. Yet it's okay for people to enter America illegally and never learn a spot of American English or any of our culture, and if we say something about it, we're racist! Fuck. That. Shit.

11./ A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
Already mentioned my feelings on abortion, so let's just say it was decided that she ought to carry the child to term (by the way, I think this is something that should be left to the discretion of qualified medical professionals and the parents of the girl involved). She should not have to raise the child, as she's still a child herself. The baby should either be raised by the girl's parents or given up for adoption.

13./ Should the war in Iraq be called off?
At this point, when we're very close to being able to sucessfully withdraw and leave behind a stable government? No. We shouldn't just bring everyone home. We need to stay and finish what we began. Right now, in the Anbar province, the Marines have almost finished withdrawing from Fallujah out to their desert base, and are considering leaving the province entirely. Violence is at an all time low since the start of the war. We're almost done, no need to call it off now.

14./ Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
Yes, it should stay illegal. In my college medical ethics class, we learned about cases where countries that had legal assisted suicide had doctors who would, to help empty hospital beds, assist patients who couldn't really decide for themselves to die. I don't like the potential for abuse.

15./ Do you believe in spanking your children?
Yes, I do. It's about the only thing that kept me in line.

16./ Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
No, no I wouldn't, and I'd punch anyone in the face who is American and would. Get the fuck out of this country and renounce your citizenship if you hate it that much. I wouldn't burn ANY nation's flag, but that's because I have enough brains to know that a nation's flag is the symbol of that nation and is therefore worthy of respect; the same respect I'd accord to an ambassador or citizen of that nation.

17./ Who do you think would make a better president? McCain or Obama?
Of the two? McCain. If I had my way? Senator Tom Carper.

18. Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
You mean they don't already? Bring it on. *cracks knuckles* I may not believe in legalised murder, but I do believe in ass-kicking.
preussisch_blau: (Srs Bzns (Evans))
I just want to say that as much as I like discussing politics, I don't know if the political discussions will continue after this. I'm still reeling from a comment in the first discussion, as well as one left to the second discussion. Unfortunately, I find it difficult to discuss politics when people either ignore a well thought out post, respond in one line, or tell me how to think. That and I don't think I could be swayed from a McCain vote at this point, as much as I've tried to be open-minded and not let my innate conservatism get in the way of seriously weighing the issues. Furthermore, I'm probably far too emotionally invested in certain issues to be able to have reasoned debate. I hope none of you don't think any worse of me for this. I've genuinely tried to see things from a different perspective, but I think this is one case where we'll just have to agree to disagree.

Anyhow, for those of you who feel like it...

I did not write this, but I have permission from the original author to repost this. Why one would vote for McCain, if you wish to know the topic. )

^_____^

Friday, 3 October 2008 22:58
preussisch_blau: (Pepper Potts (Iron Man))
Guess who's a member of the U.S. Marine Corps, effective 3 October 2008?

C'm'on. Guess.

^_____^

MEPS was a bitch, but this is my happy post, so nyeh.

I did it! I did it! ^o^ YAY!
preussisch_blau: (Angel)
MEPS TOMORROW! MEPS TOMORROW! OH HAPPY DAY!

*DOES HAPPY DANCE*

In a meme...

Saturday, 20 September 2008 11:21
preussisch_blau: (Typewriter)
From [livejournal.com profile] thimpressionist. I get to answer a bunch of questions. The catch? If you want to know the questions, e-mail me at the e-mail address listed in my profile. *pauses* *makes mental note to check after posting this to make sure an e-mail address is listed* Of course, if you already know an e-mail of mine, just send to that one. The big catch? If I send you the questions, you have to answer them, thus perpetuating the meme.


1./ [livejournal.com profile] gigglestheblood
2./ As much as I dislike admitting this some days, [livejournal.com profile] iamstillthemoon. I've known her longer than most anyone else I regularly talk to.
3./ Uh... as established in other memes with similar questions, no one. Sorry, I guess I'm a little boring as far as this sort of question goes.
4./ Answer hazy. Try again later.
5./ Everyone on my f-list, I suppose. I don't like keeping people around who aren't. Invariably leads to wailing and gnashing of teeth, and my dental insurance? Not so great. So the less teeth gnashing, the better.
6./ [livejournal.com profile] m_buggie
7./ [livejournal.com profile] themearas
8./ [livejournal.com profile] ladyames, definitely [livejournal.com profile] themearas, and possibly [livejournal.com profile] skew_whiff. Yeah, I know, that's a list. STFU.
9./ [livejournal.com profile] themearas of course. And we've done it, too. (I've also done this with [livejournal.com profile] ladyames.)
10./ [livejournal.com profile] foofighter0234
11./ Uhhhh... I'm not sure. I don't really like to pass any sort of judgement on that sort of thing. Even if we're just talking relative quantity.
12./ [livejournal.com profile] themearas, but then, I'm biased.
13./ [livejournal.com profile] m_buggie
14./ [livejournal.com profile] jumpgirl42, and I'm going by the first of the two options, not the second.
15./ Just about any of the flist, really. :P
16./ Okay, this is unfair as at least half my flist is older than me or acts it. So I'm not answering. Nyah.
17./ This is a bit easier... [livejournal.com profile] foofighter0234 and [livejournal.com profile] jumpgirl42.
18./ [livejournal.com profile] shanghai_jim. Whether we mean this nicely or a bit snidely is up for decision. We think a little from both columns.
19./ What kind of question is this?! It's cut off short. >: | We refuse to answer a nonsensical question on the grounds that it makes no sense in English and doubt it would if translated into any other language.
20./ [livejournal.com profile] m_buggie
21./ The flist.
22./ Again, the flist.
23./ Me, myself, and I. XP
24./ Er, you know, I really think there's no one who quite meets the requirements of this question. I'll have to think more on this one.
25./ [livejournal.com profile] thimpressionist
26./ Judging by how many people on my flist that insist we must go to Utah the moment they legalise homosexual marriage... Apparently about half. XD (Yeah, yeah, technically they don't do polygamy there anymore and I DON'T CARE.)
27./ [livejournal.com profile] theartisan7
28./ I'd like to see ANYONE on my flist do this, so long as they do it well.
29./ Only ONE person? :< B-b-but... I loves teh flistie.
30./ By this point, many of you have read this entry and my journal. If I have not mentioned you specifically, do not be offended. I'm not so good at matching people to questions unless it's glaringly obvious. However, that is all besides the point. We would like to inform you that someday, somehow, you will all be our bitches. (Except [livejournal.com profile] themearas; she's going to be the wife). Why? I am going to rule the world. You are welcome to apply for henchperson positions now.

Also, have some art.



Because it's appropriate. Also, comment on it. And her other art. This stuff is WIN.
preussisch_blau: (I believe in Harvey Dent)
HARVEY DENT '08
He's his own Vice President
preussisch_blau: (Default)
Won't be around this weekend, except MAYBE on AIM on my phone for a little bit. It's my brother's Ring Weekend (where they get their class rings and have a hop to celebrate) this weekend, so I'll be in New York.

I could have brought my laptop, but I decided against it because I probably won't be anything short of exhausted while I'm at the hotel. That, and I'm running BOINC.

For those of you who live under rocks and don't know about BOINC, it's a program that turns any computer connected to the internet into part of a group computer that can run calculations at the same rate as any of the large supercomputers (rough summary here, I'm not a computer geek).

If you're like me, and worried about what the LHC could do if something goes wrong, I recommend joining LHC@home using BOINC. The entire purpose of LHC@home is to use the power of many computers worldwide to run all the simulations and equations they need to do to calculate their experiments in a fraction of the time it would take if they were limited to the supercomputers and scientific computers. The more they can calculate, the less likely it is that something will go wrong. I urge those of you who can do so to give this program a try.
preussisch_blau: (*siiiiigh* (Winters--- BoB))
Thank you, Anonymous at [livejournal.com profile] fandomsecrets. I do believe you've just ruined my favourite fandom for me.

HOORAH!

Monday, 25 August 2008 18:12
preussisch_blau: (iRemember)
Went to see a Marine Corps recruiter today.

Going to MEPS on Tuesday, 2 September. Won't be online until Wednesday evening.

Will keep you all posted on how things go.

Looks like it'll be a January boot camp for me.

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preussisch_blau: (Default)
Bird

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