preussisch_blau: (Thinking...)
So, my day was spent doing a lot of thinking. About my beliefs, about what I want to do with my life, about this stupid dream I've had for the past week...

Which has left me kind of out of it.

I don't know if I really want to share all the thinking I've been doing just yet, either.

I know I don't want to share that dream until I know what it means.


Stupid introspection.


Monday, 9 June 2008 01:09
preussisch_blau: (I don't hate everyone...)

There are days, most days, when I am proud to be a relatively conservative, traditional Catholic.

And then there are days where I am ashamed to be even Christian because of such WONDROUS pages as this one.

Reading that page, as well as it's related ones, have made me angry beyond words. That is the sort of misinformation that leads people to believe the Church is misogynistic and all for men ruling everything and women being silent little servants to the whims of men. In actuality, it is INCREDIBLY misandrist in it's translation of everything being, "Oh, women must always think of the poor, weak men and how they will be driven to lust at the mere sight of a woman!". Fuck. That. Shit. Men are just as responsible for their thoughts and deeds as women are. Likewise, women aren't so bloody special that a man dressed immodestly won't incite feelings of lust in them. I think that pisses me off the most; the implication from the author of this page that it is only women who must concern themselves with modest dress because they incite the men to lust, and that it isn't possible for it to be the other way around.

Ask me how often I have heard a woman being muttered about in church for wearing a sleeveless dress that is otherwise quite modest and dignified, yet there are no complaints about the men who wear shorts and t-shirts beyond that their clothing is perhaps too casual and they should wear a dressier shirt? Just ask.

Can you say double standard?

While you're at it, you can ask me about sports at school, and how all the men were "allowed" to practise in shorts that were practically falling off their hips and no shirts whatsoever, yet girls would get yelled at for wearing a tank top to practise in. I can tell you that the girls were too busy cat-calling the boys to practise much, and when the girls finally were allowed to wear tank tops for practise? Not ONE of the boys commented on it. In fact, the boys rarely made untoward comments to the girls when they were dressed for sports practise, and when one coach required the boys to wear shirts and properly fitting shorts at practises? The girls stopped objectifying them and cat-calling.

Certainly women do need to be responsible with their dress. However, men have that SAME responsibility to dress modestly. If they cannot take it upon themselves to dress in a manner dignifying themselves, then who are they to decry a woman for dressing even slightly immodestly? If Church leaders will not impress upon men that they too ought to dress in a modest manner, then they ought to shut up about how women dress and how it is the fault of women that society is going down the drain. If they claim that men and women are equal in Christ, then should the standards not be equal as well? A woman is only more sacred than a man in that a woman has the possibility of bringing a child forth into the world. Beyond that, a woman is a human being, a woman is fallible, and it should not be the responsibility of woman alone to make sure a man does not think sinful thoughts. There are men out there who, no matter HOW a woman is dressed or how she conducts herself, will think sinful thoughts about women. Likewise, there are women who will think sinful thoughts about men no matter what the man does or wears.

There is a good reason why there are those who proclaim Christianity as being degrading towards women. When you have many men interpreting Scripture to only apply modesty towards women and make it the job of women to control men's thoughts, it IS degrading to women. It also degrades men. It is worth noting that Jewish and Muslim culture enforce modesty for BOTH sexes, yet modern Christianity is peculiarly focused on women and their modesty at the expense of male modesty. In fact, another point worth mentioning is that even the same Christians who decry the Taliban and similar extremist regimes for forcing an extreme standard of modesty upon women, yet allow a relaxed amount of modesty for men (although nowhere near as relaxed as in modern Christianity), as being sexist and extremely misogynistic for placing sole responsibility on the woman for a man's actions will then turn around and expound at length on how women must be modest in attire whilst ignoring that the same Scriptures can and indeed DO apply to men as well.

Of course, no discourse on female modesty can go by without bringing up the fact that women ought not to wear pants or similarly "male" attire. Yet those same Christians who insist women not wear pants lest it bring about the downfall of society because men do not respect women anymore seem to have absolutely no complaints about the kilt, for example. And what is the kilt but a skirt? Yes, there is the tradition behind the kilt of being a man's article of clothing, however, that is besides the point. It is still, fundamentally, a skirt. Likewise, at the time the Bible was being written, both men and women wore the same basic style of clothing. Robes, tunics, that ilk. The difference between the clothing was a matter of cut, decoration, and such. Even in modern times this holds true. Is not the cut, fabric, and decoration for a men's dress shirt different from a women's, even if they are both long-sleeved buttondown shirts? Is not the cut of a kilt different from the cut of a knee length A-line skirt? As such, it stands to reason that pants can be worn by women, it is just more proper that they be of a different styling than men's pants.

I will say now that I do not tend to wear women's clothing as it is all too often ill-fitting or too revealing for my body, and that I really can't afford to tailor all my clothes to fit right, so it is just simpler to buy men's clothing. Is this proper? I would say that it is better to be modest than it is to be concerned about the exact cut of clothing.

The argument concerning pants then leads to the argument that men do not respect women who wear pants. I suppose men who hold views as I have decried and argued against in this rant would not respect a woman in pants, yet the majority of men I know respect me MORE when I am wearing pants and work shirts than when I wear skirts and pretty blouses. Certainly it surprises them to see me dressed in a more feminine manner, but I am treated no differently when I dress in a very feminine manner than when I dress in a more masculine manner. In some instances, I am treated BETTER when I dress in a masculine manner as I am not subjected to comments on how "sexy" I look and how I have such a "lovely hourglass figure". Those comments have come not when I am wearing a relatively tight fitting women's polo shirt and low-rise jeans, but when I am wearing an Air Force Class A uniform with the skirt instead of pants. Essentially, I am wearing a wool suit. Such comments come far less frequently when I wear male clothing.

The males in question who made such comments about me in both a suit and in male clothing support my belief that there are men out there who simply will not respect a woman no matter how she is attired. Such men should still be treated courteously and attempts should be made to correct their disrespectful view of women (as indeed should such views of men be corrected when held by women), yet the fact that there are men who are disrespectful no matter what should not mean that women should not wear pants or suits. Again, I point to the fact that I receive far less disrespectful comments when in more masculine attire.

Anecdotal data aside, in the end it simply comes down to how a person acts. Men do not respect women just because they wear dresses. They respect women who have respect for themselves. This is why I am treated more respectfully in male attire than some of my female peers are when dressed in female attire. I respect myself. I do not let people push me around and lord their strengths over me. I stand my ground. I act in a fashion appropriate to the situation, yet do not compromise on my morals or myself. I do not pander to anyone's sensibilities.

The entire point of modesty in attire is as an outward display of self-respect. Indeed, it is those with the MOST self-respect who dress modestly, not because of any Scripture or law but because they CHOOSE to. Part of gaining self-respect is to control how you are perceived by others, and modest attire is an easy way to begin creating more positive perceptions. This was recognised by the writers of the Bible because it is a natural law, something fundamental across all cultures that, whatever their idea of proper attire, one ought to wear that as respect for the self and the creator(s).

All considered, I'm sure it's plain to see why that page got my goat. It simply perpetuates some very sexist notions that I would like to think, as a society that recognises more and more the equality granted to the sexes by God (whether society recognises God or not is not the point), would be considered outdated and receiving of much scorn and contempt. Yet these notions are perpetuated by the same people who scorn more extreme versions of the same notions in other cultures.

Really, this is a case where it is plain to see men and women are equal (yet different, and such differences should be respected, but that's another rant entirely), and should be held to the same standards wherever applicable.

Now, don't get me started on contraception. Or the overemphasis on the headship of men. Or women in the military, particularly when discussed by those who have no freaking idea.
preussisch_blau: (Vat 69)
Ever have the utterly irrational and implausible feeling that no matter what you do and how hard you try, everyone and everything is passing you by and you're just sitting there, static and unchanging?

Ever just want to yell and scream and push people away over stupid shit like saying "Oh?" in response to something you've said?

Ever get the even more irrational and in fact impossible feeling that God/the universe hates your guts and is just continuing your existence for the lols?
preussisch_blau: (Confuzzled)
First, it should be noted I woke up early. Very early. Like, 0900 early.

Second, I was actually awake.

Third, I went running, and I finally figured out proper form for a mile run (which has been vexing me).

Fourth, I had an appetite. Which is a new occurence. I haven't eaten a lot since college, and suddenly to-day, it was like I couldn't eat enough. Still hungry now, actually...

Fifth, I have really had no urge to RP. Which is odd. I'm sure [ profile] ladyames is going to be relieved to read that I won't be bothering her about it to-night.

Sixth, which should actually go between the third and fourth chronologically, but who cares... I'm wearing make-up. I'm dressed in something other that t-shirts and sweatpants. I never do this if I'm staying home all day.

Seventh, for all I was snarky to-day... I dunno. Wasn't feeling the snark, either. All felt pointless. I think I'm finally just done with that crap. Something isn't quite sitting right with me about some of the comments I've made lately, so I imagine I'll be spending time figuring that one out. Something tells me I let my protective side make the decisions again.

Eighth, I've actually wanted to leave the house. In fact, I'm pretty ticked that I'm stuck inside. The only thing keeping me sane is that I have Drill Team Competition this weekend.

Ninth, I've been in a list-making mood. If I can make a list for it, I'll do it. See? Another list.

Tenth, and oddest... Not only did I have an actual conversation with Cynthia, it stayed rational and neither of us resorted to insults or any of that. Hell, I actually stood up for her about something. Either I'm more of a bleeding heart than I think I am (dear God in Heaven, no!) or I'm genuinely done with the drama. That, and she's not so bad, really. Just really freaking frustrating.

Actually, the odd part was that I IMed her to bitch her out about saying I had no life, was out of touch with reality, etc. ... And I didn't have it in me.

Right now, I'm a very confused little Bird...
preussisch_blau: (Winston Churchill)
In no particular order:

1./ I don't care if you comment. I don't particularly care if anyone reads what I have to say. The only place I do care is [ profile] this_is_sparra because that is my fanfiction and, whilst I wouldn't write it if I didn't want to or like it, I write it so others will read it. As far as my LJ, this is a sounding board for my thoughts and opinions. They may (and most likely shall) differ from yours. You may not like what I have to say. You may think I'm a coward, a liar, and that I hide behind big words. You're entitled to think that and post that opinion wherever you damn well please.

2./ I'm entitled to read what you have to say if you don't keep it private. I'm entitled to think you're a blooming idiot who doesn't know the first thing about me. I'm entitled to call you out on whatever idiocy I perceive where I please. I'm entitled to decide where and when I want to read what you have to say. If I don't want to read what you have to say every time I look at the comments in my journal, then I can and will ban you from commenting. If I want to read your journal and you mention me, then I can make a post about it in my own journal.

3./ You can tell me what to say. You can tell me what to read. You can tell me why I do things. You can tell me how to live my life. Chances are that I will laugh and ignore you, or laugh and tell you exactly how wrong you are, but I'm not going to tell anyone what to do. I don't particularly enjoy being told what I can and can't do when there's no good reason behind it.I sincerely doubt most people do.

4./ I attempt to be honest in all my dealings with people. What I say is generally what I think. I am human, I am fallible, therefore I have been hypocritical and I have lied. I will not ever claim that every word that I say is the God's honest truth, because I know better. I also encourage great distrust of those who claim that they always tell the truth, as invariably they are pathological liars and not to be trusted.

5./ For those of you who haven't noticed or have not known me long enough to notice, I am not a nice person. I have been called the Big Bad Bird, and that is perhaps the most accurate thing that the person who called me that has ever had to say about me. I am vitriolic. I am snarky. I am a bitch. I won't pussyfoot around an issue. I will charge in, guns blazing, and I won't back down. I will call the shots as I see them, tell the truth as I know it (see point 4). If I am your friend, I have your back unless you're truly in the wrong. If you are in the wrong, friend or not, then I will let you know it. If you have a problem with that, then perhaps you ought to find someone else to be friends with.

6./ I do not like being manipulated. If you dare try and manipulate me, you will regret it. I don't twist things to make others take my side, and I distrust and dislike those who do.

7./ If I count you as a friend, there is a certain level of trust there. You break that trust, we cannot be friends. I trust you to not manipulate me for your own ends. I trust you to abide by whatever rules I set forth for my journal. I also trust you to smack me upside the head if I'm being an idiot. Actually, anyone can smack me upside the head if I'm being an idiot. I encourage pointing out of my shortcomings, because chances are I haven't really noticed it.

8./ I really don't care what your majour malfunction is. So you're bipolar? Sure, okay. Asperger's? Whatever. Cancer? How sad. Your problems do not define you as a person. I won't tolerate complaining about how, "Oh, it's the _insert problem here_." when things aren't going so great. I won't tolerate blaming God/Buddha/Flying Spaghetti Monster for hard times. Your life is your own. Own your problems and don't let them own you. Likewise, I do understand that certain things can cause certain modes of thinking. Still, don't expect me to take you seriously if you can't even figure yourself out. I have my own problems to deal with. I don't need to be wondering about you and yours. In fact, chances are I won't understand, and I know there are those who wouldn't want me to.

9./ Following the above point, I highly doubt you care what my majour malfunction is. I'll tell you if you ask or if it's important, but otherwise... No. You'll hear all about my personal life, which is hardly fascinating and a good portion either complaining the only place I can or asking for advice, but you likely won't hear much about what makes me tick. Chances are you won't really understand where I'm coming from. Personally? I really don't want understanding or sympathy or pity. If I want advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, I'd rather you nose out.

10./ I will stand behind any of my friends... to a point. If you're being a twat? No. If you're doing pointless shitstirring? No. Aside from that, until you prove to me that either we aren't friends or I can't trust you, then we are friends. It's possible we will drift apart, but that happens even in real life.

11./ I am conservative. I am Roman Catholic. I am for the military and support the war. I am anti-abortion. Don't like any of that? Fine.

12./ Deliberate and calculated cruelty is right out. I won't stand for it, not even in the name of "honesty". There is no need to be intentionally cruel. EVER.

13./ Finally, I will say this again: I do not like liars. I do not like hypocrites. I do not like manipulators. Chances are that if you've proven yourself as such, or done something else that proves you are not trustworthy, I will defriend you. I may even ban you from my journal. I'll give you a hint: If you're friends with someone I've banned, and you post a comment from them, that'll get you defriended real quick. I find lying, hypocrisy, and manipulation to be the ultimate forms of cowardice when it is consistent behaviour. Own your words. Own your actions.

I think that just about covers it all. Should you need elaboration on any points... well... Just ask.


Thursday, 13 March 2008 22:39
preussisch_blau: (Winters)
For the record, I really hate how people think it's okay to be complete assholes over the internet. Just because all you're looking at is a computer screen doesn't change the fact that there is a living, breathing human being somewhere in the world that you are talking to or about.

I think the worst thing is when you say something to someone, and then elsewhere online say the complete opposite. Especially when you know that person could very easily find what you've said.

Most of us really need to go back to kindergarten and relearn a few things about interacting with others.
preussisch_blau: (I Embrace What Others Fear)
I. Am. Not. A. Coward.

There is nothing cowardly about being done with a situation and doing the necessary steps to avoid furthering it. In real life, whilst I would not go out of my way to avoid someone I am having a serious conflict with, I would most certainly still avoid them. Likewise, on LiveJournal, it is so easy to just avoid someone. Defriend. Ban from commenting.

Yet, apparently it is COWARDLY to avoid someone online. Wow. Cowardly and immature, no less. Golly gee, and here I  was thinking I was being all mature for just saying to Hell with it and deciding that I really didn't want to put up with childish rants that barely make any coherent sense from someone who, for all her claims about having been my friend, knew less about me than complete strangers. I mean, I figured that since I would not invite someone into my home who showed demonstrated hatred of me, why would I allow someone to comment on my entries who has showed the same hatred?

Sorry, but this journal exists for the sole purpose of me. Me. Myself. I. You can disagree with me on whatever you want. Call me out on stupidity. I don't mind. That's what friends are for. However, at the end of the day, the internet is a place for me to relax and have fun, and it's pretty hard to do that when I've got people wangsting all over my journal. It takes a lot for me to decide to avoid someone in real life. I mean it. There are plenty of people in real life who I can't stand that, when I see them, I will plaster a smile on my face and ask how they're doing and just be genuinely friendly. The few people I avoid and have as little interaction with as humanly possible? Well, those are the same people who see fit to lambast me for every little thing, even if it's something they themselves have done. Those are the people who make it their life's mission to prove that they are superior and I am a whiny little insect who doesn't deserve to breathe the same air they do. Those are the people where I cannot genuinely give a damn whether they live or die, the people who have never really treated me as anything more than something convenient for them. These are the people that, at this point in my life, I simply ignore, because it's not worth the frustration of trying to get them to act like decent human beings.

So, online? That holds true. I will not tolerate blatant, intentional hypocrisy. I will not tolerate attacks on my character. I will not tolerate attempts to make me feel like a piece of shit for any reason. I do not invite such people to conversation in real life, do not invite them anywhere near me unless absolutely necessary. I will not put up with the same chickenshit online just because it's supposedly immature and cowardly to ban someone from commenting. I wouldn't talk to you in real life unless I had to, and LiveJournal hardly mimics the sort of situation where I would be unable to either avoid a person or bow out of conversation gracefully.


Saturday, 8 March 2008 03:02
preussisch_blau: (Col. Sink)
For those of you caring about how I've been aside from the silly internet drama, I have been doing pretty well. PT is going well; been running about 2.5 miles in half an hour. Need to work on that, but it's pretty hard to run when your boobs keep bouncing. Getting a new sports bra on Tuesday, so we'll see how well that works out for me. Hopefully it will.

Pushups are still difficult, but I'm working at them.

Beyond that, just been doing kickboxing and the usual military exercises (situps, side straddle hops...). Also been studying my arse off for Drill Team. I am very psyched to be on the team this year instead of being an alternate. It'll be great to actually be able to do stuff with my friends on the team instead of being a "gopher" during practises and competition... even if the doing stuff is drilling and whatnot, I'm just happy that I made the team.

Job hunt is ever continuing. I haven't heard back yet from Giant and Harris Teeter isn't hiring yet. McDonald's isn't hiring, nor is Walgreens, and Royal Farms wants only managers and... yeah. Times is hard, job-wise.

Driver's license quest is not going so hot. I really need to get over this silly fear of driving so I have more job oppurtunities.

Designing crochet patterns is not easy. I've reworked just the first 20 rows of the back of this blazer so many damn times I've worn holes in the paper from erasing. 103rd time the charm, what say? What I have right now looks good, so I need to start working out the next ten or so rows to check on my cheap acrylic yarn. I've also started doing Irish crochet, which, for all it's intricacy, is quite easy. It's just working with thread that can be a bitch.

Sometime soon I have to get a box and get that package ready for you, ladyames. Don't let me forget. Hopefully I can stop by the post office to-day.

I may take a break from the internet soon. No particular reason other than the fact that it's not really interesting, and I don't much like keeping up with non-interesting things. Of course, I will still keep up with you all, but beyond that... Eh. I have other things to do. Write. Draw. Listen to music. Crochet. Above all... P.T. and study. We'll see how I feel by next week-end. My mood might change about the internet, but I've been a bit blah about it for a while, lately. It's all the same stuff after a while in the comms I frequent, and aside from LJ I only use the internet to IM, look up crochet information, study, and keep up with all of... three... webcomics. So, not so much point to me spending too terribly much time online.

That, and if someone doesn't stop her wangst... well, I just had Mum get my laptop fixed. She won't want to do it again so soon because I got fed up with obtuseness and continued idiocy of one vurry speshul snoflake.

I don't know why I'm letting this bother me.

Oh wait.

Yes I do.

She's a liar and a hypocrite.
preussisch_blau: (Mental (Charlie Crews- Life))
Right, for those of you who missed it... here ya go. Have at it, and return here when you're done.

... *checks watch* *drinks coffee* *downs some more cold medicine*

Huh? Oh, good, you're back.


Thursday, 14 February 2008 01:44
preussisch_blau: (Default)
Oh, look, LJ drama.

I wish I knew what the Hell half those comments were about.

Ugh. I don't think I want to be involved with this fandom much longer... I love the series, I love the books, I (have a platonic) love (for) the men... But I'm reminded of why I left fandom alone since middle school up until I broke my foot at college and had nothing else to do with my time. You end up with at least two separate groups of people against each other amongst the established folks in fandom, and then us newbs are left on the sidelines going "WTF mate?" at old wank being dragged up and some of us being criticised for not knowing the "whole story", so to speak, and simply supporting the person we know. ((Amongst other oh so lovely facets of fandom.))

I kind of wish I hadn't run out of inspiration for Hot Fuzz, except that ended up getting needlessly wanky too.

I know no matter where I choose to spend my time, there's going to be wank and there are going to be cliques... Except somehow, I'd rather spend my time where at least the things being wanked over matter a little in real life.

I haven't made up my mind to quit fandom just yet... Except it's getting to that point.

The most recent thing isn't the entire reason. Far from it. Things from a week ago, and just little things that pop up from time to time... Combined with shit from Hot Fuzz fandom, and even before then with things from my first forays into fandom back in middle school.

I get stressed far too easily. I worry too much about the past. I know I can't change things or take back words or any of that, but I have enough emotional shit from college to worry about without having fandom chickenshit piled on top. It's... I don't even know how to begin to describe what's going on inside my head, but I've never really felt like I fit in anywhere, and then when I think I do and this sort of fuckery happens? No. No. I've been burned enough to know better. Once burned, twice shy? Multiply that by a fucking million times, and you'll see where I'm coming from.

It's like school. Like grade school. And I know real life is like this too, but at least when I hear the things people wank about in real life, it's shit that matters. Work, money, family. I know there's some of the unimportant stuff too, I'm not an idiot and I'm not naive, but... Ugh. I can't do this shit. I'm burned out on this. I'm burned out on a lot lately. I need to get my life in order. I don't have time to waste on this crap. Not when I need to get back in shape. Not when I need to get a job. Not when I need to learn how to drive a fucking car. I can't drive. Eighteen years old and I can't drive a car. What the fuck is the matter with me?

Rhetorical question. No need to answer. There's a lot the matter with me. Fuck... I... Just fuck it all.


preussisch_blau: (Default)

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